Mess Therapy

Hello Blog, yes i know it has been a very long time and yes i know all i ever seem to say to you is bad things but it’s all good, no one else will read this so it’s some special time. Basically lots has happened since our last session, but one of the more insignificant things is that I have purchased a rather brilliant book, called ‘MESS’ and yes it basically is what it says on the tin, It’s simply a basic book with like 365 challenges to complete that ultimately make a mess of anything it asks of you to do, however i am now doing two challenges, one is make a mess to explain how you are feeling when you read the page and publicly display this, well I have been told that my way with words can only be described as a mess to the English language. And also, another one is to get write all your feelings on 9, A4 sheets that are on my wall, but I ain’t finished with that one.

Ok so here we go into the not so fantastic and over all quite depressing world of Cox. Ugh. i don’t even know where to start, I mean I know none of my problems are anything huge, well they are to me, but they are nothing to what some people are having to suffer and go through and yeh i do feel like a little bitch boy for even thinking anything wrong with me has anything compared to them but if you know me well enough you already know that when something is bugging me it won’t go off my mind and then it will manage to enlarge itself into my classic cycle of “oh i am worrying about something, oh now I’m worried I’m worrying about something which makes me worried about alopecia, REPEAT” i don’t like saying i think like this because i feel like a major puff, and that i need to man up, however ever since my hair has started to go again, the same depressing feelings and negative actions which always leave me in a worse situation then if i just fucking thought 5 seconds in-front of myself . oh my god look at that i just told you one of my problems shiiiit, that was easy, but then again doesn’t everyone find it simple fluid to talk about themselves when they truly believe whoever you are telling is listening and caring about all of these issues you apparently have, and thus this leads me to a secondary problem, which is technically this… i seem to be, finding comfort in no-one, just typing bullshit that is me, onto a blog, while listening to pretty emo music, wow, if i saw myself I’d be laughing, that’s because of Schadenfreude which is where you find someone’s shit life funny ‘cus you is so glad it ain’t you. Ok let me rephrase this, no one in Bath would text me saying, cuppa, fag, fifa, film, that’s you’re plan tonight. simple i know, but growing up having this as my male bonding time has made it some what of a need that i would like filling, however, everything seems to lack the resources, ok, sure i am close to girls here, but my history of having best girl mates just hasn’t worked, maybe i need to change that as the gender ratio here is like 1:6 which is great … for man whores , wanting to gain an STD this year, however for people trying to be a better person now, just doesn’t happen, guess i have tried to jump on this making friends band wagon about 4 months too late, and now i kinda feel completely segregated, and it’s really not a great feeling if i am honest, in fact it’s morbidly depressing, I hate myself, and i ain’t even joking, but I don’t regret anything, I’ve learned the hard way like i have too with everything else in my life so let’s hope like everything else i can make something out of this complete and utter void i’m in. speaking of voids, it’s funny recently I’ve been feeling more detached from everything then usual, like literally i feel nothing when i d the wrong thing, it’s only when i truly think about something can I think if i’ve done something wrong… hmm i think this is due to the larger and more serious event’s that are effecting Calen, my best mate, who knows i’m there for him even if he don’t want me to be ;) but seeing him, it makes me see how immature and pathetic i still am, and I know he shouldn’t have to go through what he is, I was once told we are children till we lose a parent, and until now i have never understood this completely,sadly it is true. Ugh

I can’t believe I’m on top of most of my work!, it’s such a weird feeling, obversely i could be more on top but i think I’ll wait till i start having more nights in for that. meh, however that has made me remember something i was thinking about earlier, i am going to stay in for like a feel weeks, see if anyone even gives a shit that I’m not there, because atm i feel on a night out I’m more like an extra stage light then a person, as in, yeh it’s mint if it’s there because makes everything seem a little more funky, however if it’s not there… would you notice …

Meh, work tomorrow night, then straight after driving home, Going to be a hard one.

Peace xx

Movember

Ok a quick summary of the last few days, I feel that the blog is something i shouldn’t have stopped doing, because it works so well as a brain soother for me, i know it’s very self-centred, however it is now crucial i either find someone I can talk to in full confidence or i open up more on here because in all honesty it’s all just building up which is not good for anyone, I must be in some proper down this week because I’m just feeling pointless and sluggish, which as you know isn’t me. So i am hoping by Friday or sooner I am going to be myself again.

Where was i monday i hear you ask, well, let me tell you about monday, Where the fuck did it go? monday consisted of waking up at 4ish realising i had missed my favourite lecture, looking at a dead phone which decided to die before being my alarm. So i had a little bit of a hissy, but mad myself some well tasty curry to make up for it. Then it was onwards and upwards to the doing work stage i thought as i missed a lecture i should catch up on some work, i did this was ace, completing some essay plans is what i should live my life for honestly. Ok, so once i had completed the most simplest of my tasks i decided “y’kno thinks I’m now going to go out”
You don’t know how great this choice of mine was! Almost literally everyone i know was out! so i had a lot of choices to make, i decided on the Bulldogs, to be my partners in crime for the night, so task one to find them, stumbling into Spoons, to find Levi, Ollie and other than downing, yes DOWNING a CASTER of jeagerbomb, got me dubbed as Cook. what can i say when the northern cobras are out we do some crazy shit! now you can guess i got messy and yes it was an epic night, but i need not bore you with the details

Tuesday. bad times, i woke up late again, so now i am in constant fear that i have some real bad sleep issues, (oh shit it’s like 3 in the morning when i am writing this! :| ) so i do think i have ruined my sleeping patterns but so what, “I’m a student” right :) ok after missing two group meetings both business and drama ones i rush to my car to find i am blocked in, spend bout 10 mins finding some man move his van like a meter. sprint drive to the nearest petrol station only to realise every person in bath has decided to get into their cars and stop me. I HATE TRAFFIC. i lose another half an hour trying to get to the bloody uni, where i pull up just in time to take “The library test” . As you could guess I’m bricking it, i see matt and i knew the shared feelings of “Oh Shit man we’re going to fail and look like twats” was on both our minds. however, low and behold I GOT LIKE THE HIGHEST MARKS!!! this put me in the happiest mood for a while, I was well proud of being a nerd, i mean that’s the reason i came to uni isn’t it? So Onto the drama seminar, consisting of bickering and bullshit.
Which to be completely frank sums up my Tuesday night, with only the aspect of having a rant on here being the main highlight
well i did go round to Charlton to see matt(again) Kat and Becca, but it wasn’t half as awesome as my beautiful over active brain had imagined, but still i got free food so i ain’t complaining.

But basically i need to come to terms that i may have fucked myself over here, i do believe i have made the wrong impression on people and i am not known for who i really am, yeh i do love to do what i have done (very well) the last 8 weeks, I mean I’m a white boy that’s learned to dance thanks to my new latino dance teacher (yes Alex you) but Even to the people i feel closest to, i don’t think i could open up to them just yet, unlike Calen or my other boys back home i haven’t got trust in people here yet, i guess it’s just another case of my trust issues coming through, meh who knows at the rate I’m going something awesome needs to come along or I’m just going to pull you down to where i lie.

Someone Fill This Constant Void I’m In?
please? It’d be so nice to have that.
The best part is, some people couldn’t even comprehend how insanely green I am over what they have, and they don’t even know what i want. Fuck this, fuck my life, I’m just going sleep and do some economics in the morning. Woop Can’t WAIT.

Peace.

So drown me if you can, or we could just have convocations…

Well guess which son of a’ got into uni! yeh that was all well and good however, the practicalities of living here and supporting my insane new style of living, have proven more than a challenge to upkeep. however this is all to blunt  I need to get a little more in-depth … yeh I know you missed my blogs, sorry i got a little to into uni life, like I said, well i guess 2 months ago it all started, oh so much to write about that is pointless it’s not worth writing…

Moving day, i guess this was the first few hours of learning what the term “a fresh start” means, the beautiful 3 hour drive from sunny Stoke-on-Trent to beautiful bath were, to put in my words ” Bare Shit.” with only MGMT- Time to pretend consuming the sound track of the journey I arrived, shattered, sweaty and smelly. How I didn’t pull the moment I got out of the car I will never know.  anyway I digress, First thing I did in the new house, had a rudda cuppa and had a walk to the local, very drunk on the first night. good times, this was my first hung over day in my new house, I wish I wasn’t on this day of all days due to everyone turning up making a ruckus, so i felt like death, but we had takeaway so it was all good, along with a lot of drinking…

And thus began the 2 months that lead up to now, i need not bore thee with the extraordinary events i have been through, i have a very new and unique way of living, i have a lot of new friends in which i am truly thankful, i do not believe them to be able to replace anyone from stoke, however I’ve bin told it is not to replace friends but simply create more. Breadth not depth. I’ve started to question my spontaneous thoughts, they shouldn’t be this irregular, i mean my brain makes connections with irrelevance rather than relevance, Cool Huh :D

WISH FUCKING STUDENT FINANCE WOULD HURRY ITS SHITE ARSE UP…

ok tbh

this is the first blog i have done at uni, i haven’t got my flow back so the idea of getting a lot of shit of my chest didn’t work, this sucks FFS

why is it no matter what i do, how i act, how i  preform call it what you will, but that which i use to persuades everyone i know, of the appearance that i am doing well. There is still nothing there. like a sky with no stars, or an ocean with no fish.  this void of incomprehendable proportions… yet unless I fall victim to empty silence and misleading thoughts i am unable to envision this, think about it, would you notice no stars in the sky at night.