(Fickle) Heart

Mess Therapy

Sam — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 01:36:08 +0000

Hello Blog, yes i know it has been a very long time and yes i know all i ever seem to say to you is bad things but it’s all good, no one else will read this so it’s some special time. Basically lots has happened since our last session, but one of the more insignificant things is that I have purchased a rather brilliant book, called ‘MESS’ and yes it basically is what it says on the tin, It’s simply a basic book with like 365 challenges to complete that ultimately make a mess of anything it asks of you to do, however i am now doing two challenges, one is make a mess to explain how you are feeling when you read the page and publicly display this, well I have been told that my way with words can only be described as a mess to the English language. And also, another one is to get write all your feelings on 9, A4 sheets that are on my wall, but I ain’t finished with that one.

Ok so here we go into the not so fantastic and over all quite depressing world of Cox. Ugh. i don’t even know where to start, I mean I know none of my problems are anything huge, well they are to me, but they are nothing to what some people are having to suffer and go through and yeh i do feel like a little bitch boy for even thinking anything wrong with me has anything compared to them but if you know me well enough you already know that when something is bugging me it won’t go off my mind and then it will manage to enlarge itself into my classic cycle of “oh i am worrying about something, oh now I’m worried I’m worrying about something which makes me worried about alopecia, REPEAT” i don’t like saying i think like this because i feel like a major puff, and that i need to man up, however ever since my hair has started to go again, the same depressing feelings and negative actions which always leave me in a worse situation then if i just fucking thought 5 seconds in-front of myself . oh my god look at that i just told you one of my problems shiiiit, that was easy, but then again doesn’t everyone find it simple fluid to talk about themselves when they truly believe whoever you are telling is listening and caring about all of these issues you apparently have, and thus this leads me to a secondary problem, which is technically this… i seem to be, finding comfort in no-one, just typing bullshit that is me, onto a blog, while listening to pretty emo music, wow, if i saw myself I’d be laughing, that’s because of Schadenfreude which is where you find someone’s shit life funny ‘cus you is so glad it ain’t you. Ok let me rephrase this, no one in Bath would text me saying, cuppa, fag, fifa, film, that’s you’re plan tonight. simple i know, but growing up having this as my male bonding time has made it some what of a need that i would like filling, however, everything seems to lack the resources, ok, sure i am close to girls here, but my history of having best girl mates just hasn’t worked, maybe i need to change that as the gender ratio here is like 1:6 which is great … for man whores , wanting to gain an STD this year, however for people trying to be a better person now, just doesn’t happen, guess i have tried to jump on this making friends band wagon about 4 months too late, and now i kinda feel completely segregated, and it’s really not a great feeling if i am honest, in fact it’s morbidly depressing, I hate myself, and i ain’t even joking, but I don’t regret anything, I’ve learned the hard way like i have too with everything else in my life so let’s hope like everything else i can make something out of this complete and utter void i’m in. speaking of voids, it’s funny recently I’ve been feeling more detached from everything then usual, like literally i feel nothing when i d the wrong thing, it’s only when i truly think about something can I think if i’ve done something wrong… hmm i think this is due to the larger and more serious event’s that are effecting Calen, my best mate, who knows i’m there for him even if he don’t want me to be ;) but seeing him, it makes me see how immature and pathetic i still am, and I know he shouldn’t have to go through what he is, I was once told we are children till we lose a parent, and until now i have never understood this completely,sadly it is true. Ugh

I can’t believe I’m on top of most of my work!, it’s such a weird feeling, obversely i could be more on top but i think I’ll wait till i start having more nights in for that. meh, however that has made me remember something i was thinking about earlier, i am going to stay in for like a feel weeks, see if anyone even gives a shit that I’m not there, because atm i feel on a night out I’m more like an extra stage light then a person, as in, yeh it’s mint if it’s there because makes everything seem a little more funky, however if it’s not there… would you notice …

Meh, work tomorrow night, then straight after driving home, Going to be a hard one.

Peace xx

Movember

Sam — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 02:40:14 +0000

Ok a quick summary of the last few days, I feel that the blog is something i shouldn’t have stopped doing, because it works so well as a brain soother for me, i know it’s very self-centred, however it is now crucial i either find someone I can talk to in full confidence or i open up more on here because in all honesty it’s all just building up which is not good for anyone, I must be in some proper down this week because I’m just feeling pointless and sluggish, which as you know isn’t me. So i am hoping by Friday or sooner I am going to be myself again.

Where was i monday i hear you ask, well, let me tell you about monday, Where the fuck did it go? monday consisted of waking up at 4ish realising i had missed my favourite lecture, looking at a dead phone which decided to die before being my alarm. So i had a little bit of a hissy, but mad myself some well tasty curry to make up for it. Then it was onwards and upwards to the doing work stage i thought as i missed a lecture i should catch up on some work, i did this was ace, completing some essay plans is what i should live my life for honestly. Ok, so once i had completed the most simplest of my tasks i decided “y’kno thinks I’m now going to go out”
You don’t know how great this choice of mine was! Almost literally everyone i know was out! so i had a lot of choices to make, i decided on the Bulldogs, to be my partners in crime for the night, so task one to find them, stumbling into Spoons, to find Levi, Ollie and other than downing, yes DOWNING a CASTER of jeagerbomb, got me dubbed as Cook. what can i say when the northern cobras are out we do some crazy shit! now you can guess i got messy and yes it was an epic night, but i need not bore you with the details

Tuesday. bad times, i woke up late again, so now i am in constant fear that i have some real bad sleep issues, (oh shit it’s like 3 in the morning when i am writing this! :| ) so i do think i have ruined my sleeping patterns but so what, “I’m a student” right :) ok after missing two group meetings both business and drama ones i rush to my car to find i am blocked in, spend bout 10 mins finding some man move his van like a meter. sprint drive to the nearest petrol station only to realise every person in bath has decided to get into their cars and stop me. I HATE TRAFFIC. i lose another half an hour trying to get to the bloody uni, where i pull up just in time to take “The library test” . As you could guess I’m bricking it, i see matt and i knew the shared feelings of “Oh Shit man we’re going to fail and look like twats” was on both our minds. however, low and behold I GOT LIKE THE HIGHEST MARKS!!! this put me in the happiest mood for a while, I was well proud of being a nerd, i mean that’s the reason i came to uni isn’t it? So Onto the drama seminar, consisting of bickering and bullshit.
Which to be completely frank sums up my Tuesday night, with only the aspect of having a rant on here being the main highlight
well i did go round to Charlton to see matt(again) Kat and Becca, but it wasn’t half as awesome as my beautiful over active brain had imagined, but still i got free food so i ain’t complaining.

But basically i need to come to terms that i may have fucked myself over here, i do believe i have made the wrong impression on people and i am not known for who i really am, yeh i do love to do what i have done (very well) the last 8 weeks, I mean I’m a white boy that’s learned to dance thanks to my new latino dance teacher (yes Alex you) but Even to the people i feel closest to, i don’t think i could open up to them just yet, unlike Calen or my other boys back home i haven’t got trust in people here yet, i guess it’s just another case of my trust issues coming through, meh who knows at the rate I’m going something awesome needs to come along or I’m just going to pull you down to where i lie.

Someone Fill This Constant Void I’m In?
please? It’d be so nice to have that.
The best part is, some people couldn’t even comprehend how insanely green I am over what they have, and they don’t even know what i want. Fuck this, fuck my life, I’m just going sleep and do some economics in the morning. Woop Can’t WAIT.

Peace.

So drown me if you can, or we could just have convocations…

Sam — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 01:29:05 +0000

Well guess which son of a’ got into uni! yeh that was all well and good however, the practicalities of living here and supporting my insane new style of living, have proven more than a challenge to upkeep. however this is all to blunt I need to get a little more in-depth … yeh I know you missed my blogs, sorry i got a little to into uni life, like I said, well i guess 2 months ago it all started, oh so much to write about that is pointless it’s not worth writing…

Moving day, i guess this was the first few hours of learning what the term “a fresh start” means, the beautiful 3 hour drive from sunny Stoke-on-Trent to beautiful bath were, to put in my words ” Bare Shit.” with only MGMT- Time to pretend consuming the sound track of the journey I arrived, shattered, sweaty and smelly. How I didn’t pull the moment I got out of the car I will never know. anyway I digress, First thing I did in the new house, had a rudda cuppa and had a walk to the local, very drunk on the first night. good times, this was my first hung over day in my new house, I wish I wasn’t on this day of all days due to everyone turning up making a ruckus, so i felt like death, but we had takeaway so it was all good, along with a lot of drinking…

And thus began the 2 months that lead up to now, i need not bore thee with the extraordinary events i have been through, i have a very new and unique way of living, i have a lot of new friends in which i am truly thankful, i do not believe them to be able to replace anyone from stoke, however I’ve bin told it is not to replace friends but simply create more. Breadth not depth. I’ve started to question my spontaneous thoughts, they shouldn’t be this irregular, i mean my brain makes connections with irrelevance rather than relevance, Cool Huh :D

WISH FUCKING STUDENT FINANCE WOULD HURRY ITS SHITE ARSE UP…

ok tbh

this is the first blog i have done at uni, i haven’t got my flow back so the idea of getting a lot of shit of my chest didn’t work, this sucks FFS

why is it no matter what i do, how i act, how i preform call it what you will, but that which i use to persuades everyone i know, of the appearance that i am doing well. There is still nothing there. like a sky with no stars, or an ocean with no fish. this void of incomprehendable proportions… yet unless I fall victim to empty silence and misleading thoughts i am unable to envision this, think about it, would you notice no stars in the sky at night.

This is a song i wrote on results day

Sam — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 13:34:55 +0000

Agggggggghhhhhhhhh!

I Don’t Know What Your Problem is, but i bet it’s hard to pronounce!

How About Never? Is Never Good For You?

I See You’ve Set Aside This Special Time To Humiliate Yourself In Public.

I’m Really Easy To Get Along With Once People Learn To Worship Me!

I’ll Try Being Nicer If You Try Being Smarter!

‘Cus It Sounds Like English, But I Can’t Understand A Word You’re Saying.

You Just Remind Me Of When I Was Young And Stupid

I Have Plenty Of Talent I Just Don’t Care About Showing It You.

Any Connection Between Your World And Mine Is Nothing More That Coincidence.

I’m Not Being Rude, …But You’re Just Insignificant!

And Your Sad Ass Opinion Is? Not That It Means Anything!

Do I Look Like A People Person?

Sarcasm Is One Of The Many Services I Offer.

If I Throw A Stick Would You Leave?

Errors Have Been Made. Others Will Be Blamed.

I’m Trying To Imagine You With A Personality.

Chaos, Panic, Disorder – My Work Is Done.

I Thought I Wanted A New Start.

I Just Want An End To You.

But I Swear I’ll Be Just Fine …

Sam — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 10:24:47 +0000

Have you ever just sat somewhere, tried not to think of anything and just enjoyed the quite? I did, and i thought about a great deal o things, that would never really cross my mind in normal situations. however I got thinking about metaphors,weird i know but i wanted to clear my head. i started to think how car’s are a brilliant metaphor for me; you see a plane, mass people based and extremely high-flying and fun using mass amounts of their energy, but crash once and that’s it, everyone they we’re connected to ends. boats very similar, Trains are fast, and don’t diverge from what they should be doing, can take a couple of bumps as well, but not me. I see Calen as a bike, i guess it takes a biker to really be compared to one, they cause mass amounts of trouble, you’ll have a few nasty fall’s with them and bikes can give a thrill better than any other reasonable vehicle. However i am like a beat up jaguar, can take bumps and going head on into the back of things, can take a beating but even though will have its days where the head cylinder will just decide to emulsify , usually has a decent runner under the hood. and as it’s a car it likes to keep close and great company. this lady’s and gent’s is what my mind comes up with on a friday morning sitting outside in just shorts at 7.30am. i might have a fag now :D cloud my head back up :)

Work Out which of these is for you .

You, tbh are the best friend i will ever have, sure as hell you wind the fuck outta me, but you also clear my head, and show me how simple life can be. and how to change a light-bulb will need the first steps of actually picking up a light-bulb (A) for that i thank you bro.

You cheer me up no matter what. if you and tescos weren’t here for me, youth i’d be fucked. outta all my close mates i think you’re the only one who can empathise with me.

You Are like a old memory that i have grown found of, you come back to me when i think i don’t know what to do, yet you make me see what has to be done at the right times.

You The only female i can truly feel close to, i don’t know why but i just click with you, you offer me the best advice and i hope me to you, your everything i need from a girl-friend (friend who is a girl) you know what i mean.

I don’t know what to think about you. you have confused me.

You proved to me that persistence , pestilence and persuasion are the way to any lass. I hope your happy and tbh; wish i never stood in your way, your strangely addicted to her, so i know it’s for the best, besides i was sick of being compared to you.

Now You. Took me a while but tbh i will be fine no matter what you choose. i never expected you to be reasonable, but i know to be wiser, i guess i’m blind. haha no change. Enjoy concrete (Y)

:D Bring it bitches!

Work lunch and dinner. same shit different day :P If i stack a bit o change fuck it i can’t complain :D

Haha lets do something today?

;)

I could be anywhere when I am holding you.

Sam — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 15:05:43 +0000

Been a fair few week, I guess i didn’t know what to say. Right basically, last week bummed myself out, i guess i am taking everything too serious. and until i become happy as i am nothing will happen.

the only thing that is constant is change

Click to view slideshow.

Beauty is a misleading call to death, And I’m Addicted To Its Sweat Pitch…

Sam — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 18:01:00 +0000

Where To begin! haha i have done my usual trick and left it far to long to recall the events of the week. which is quite a lot! Right i was up Hanley on friday :) it was pretty mint, first time up there with Al and it was the first time shit kicked off, haha worked all weekend and maya came down Monday Tuesday and Wednesday, this was nice tbh and something that was very unusual . meh who cares what i have done ! it’s pointless just monologuing this shite…

Basically from last night i have kinda realised i am still hurt, and it become obvious when i am alone and drunk, good old luckys (fags) gave me the reason for solitude smoking and it brings out the worst thoughts in me, however i also realised i am strangely satisfied you are happy, i know i am hurt but even though, i might not be okay now, i will be… I digressed. now something completely different I Really Love WKD cider, haha it’s amazing.

I feel i have become the wrong guy for some people. and i need to show them that’s not actually me. no i ain’t talking about you, if you’re reading this you understand that i have feelings and you might even acknowledge them by reading this, no whom I’m on bout wouldn’t comprehend the what i am ranting about.

i have also come to realise how short-tempered i have become and how i don’t give a shit what i say back to you if you say something to me, this has diluted into my feelings about most things, i feel i should stand for my beliefs, not other people’s, i am now more proud of what i like whether or not if someone else likes it or if others hate it. i like it, so let me be.

I WANT MY CAPRI ON MONDAY!

and i will talk between shifts tomorrow xx

You Might Win The Rat Race But You’re Still A Fucking Rat.

My car after the Yobs broke it on fri last week :(

Click to view slideshow.

Sorry i’ll do it tomorrow!

Sam — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 00:03:48 +0000

:( didn’t have time to blog :( sorry i know i got your hopes up :D

Coming Wednesday

Sam — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 01:33:58 +0000

Lots Of Fucking Updates :) lots to tell you :)

I’d Say, Cheadle Swimming baths, is the best visual representation…

Sam — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 21:38:27 +0000

for many things, i have used the smooth gradient that decreases rapidly as a diagram for many things today. My mood. for one over the day, started out with A shite load of cereal :) and a few burnt Crunchy Nuts (too much info lol) then watched rock n rolla with walkers :) “Stop talking before you catch a cold” mint line. love the film to be honest. A pretty amazing shopping day up hanley as well :) mindless jokes and making brad walk near statues is hilarious, (phobia) haha brilliant. after being like a women as usually when shopping i got myself some nice new scent :) got some VERY cheap Malbureas, and i noticed that WASTELANDS IS NO MORE! :O shock horror. came, home Chilled round brads and fifa. then i went for a meal with potts, got it all off my cheast, wish i hadn’t cus i feel worse for wear now.

meh, Friday will be good. tomorrow no plans. enjoy my photos.